Inheriting a New State of Mind
In one of my recent posts, I shared that I spent a crushing four hours trying to record two scales for my audition. Not only did this end up doing more bad than good, but it struck me that I can’t keep living like this. Trying to make everything absolutely one hundred percent perfect and exactly how I picture it in my head. It was from that experience that I began to make an effort to not become consumed by my desire to do everything to the point where it feels “right.” I’m still on this journey, and there have been missteps, but the fact that I’m making a conscious choice to work on this is all that matters to me.
Last week, I had to record videos almost everyday for school. The first was a video of me playing through a version of the Finale of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. So I did that and after looking at the video, I saw that it was satisfactory and had a few minor errors, but nonetheless, I just decided to turn it in. I wasn’t going to redo the entire thing and spend more than enough time just because it wasn’t a product of perfection… oh how those words came back to haunt me (you’ll see). The next day, I did a video of me playing the main theme of “The Good The Bad and The Ugly,” which we did in honor of Ennio Morricone, who unfortunately passed away earlier this year. With this one, there were some hard passages that I would’ve needed to practice for at least a day before performing, but because it was a busy week with lots to do and lots going on, I made a decisive choice to just knock it out tonight and whatever came it of it is what I would end up submitting. I remember that every take, something went off, and I was on the verge of overdoing it and spending extra time to just make it “right,” but luckily I lost track of the time and didn’t realize it was almost ten o’clock at night, which meant that I was not allowed to play anymore. I looked through my takes and decided to submit the best one I did. The day after, I had to record myself discussing and analyzing poetry for Literature, which I knew would have to be very well done, but at the same time, I couldn’t spend the whole day working on it and making it flawless because there was still other stuff to be done. So after practicing a few times, I set everything up, hit record, and started saying everything I planned out. It took me a couple tries, but eventually I got a video that I felt really good about, and even though I had a moment where I paused momentarily and repeated the same word twice, I stuck through my goal to not overdo things to the point of absolute perfection when what I already have is just right. Then, on Thursday, I found that I had to REDO my Beethoven video because in order for all the videos to be together, we had to play exactly from the SmartMusic recording, which did not line up with the metronome I used from YouTube, and therefore, I had to record the video again… for the FOURTH TIME (let’s just say there were lots of issues with timing that I had to learn the hard way). I remember feeling really frustrated because I already recorded this so many times, and each time, there ended up being an issue that resulted in me having to do it all over again. However, because I ran into every problem possible with making one three minute video, I knew all the different precautions and steps that had to be taken to prevent the same problems. It took me a while to set up, but after that was taken care of, I played through the Finale again until not only it lined up with the recording, but when I felt that what I did was good enough. Then I turned it in once and for all.
Throughout that week, I had to challenge myself to not fall victim to this mindset of wanting everything to be exactly how I perfectly picture it in my head. I found that I actually felt more proud of myself and my work by accepting it for what it was and what I was able to do within a limited amount of time. Worrying and thinking that it’s not going to be good enough unless hours and hours are put into making flaws and mistakes nonexistent is utter nonsense. Instead, you just have to do it with a different attitude. You make the choice to finish something the best that you can with the time that you’ve dedicated to it. It’s funny because even though I love to write, sometimes, I really struggle putting posts, essays, or short responses together, whether it’s in school or for this. And because I’ve already spent hours and hours writing and still can’t create a perfect ending, I’m making the choice right now to stop and leave this is how it is. The world did not stop moving and time did not take a pause. There’s still a lot going on, and I’m sorry this isn’t eloquent, but I tried the best that I could during this time. Hopefully you see that I’m staying true to the message.
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